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Have you ever received a birthday gift you didn’t ask for?  Have you ever been frustrated because your teammates, employees, kids, or spouses don’t do what you ask, even though you asked really nicely and they claim they want to help? New research suggests that getting what you want from other people is actually pretty simple, but you and I over-complicate it.

Follow these 3 Rules to start getting what you want from others.

Rule #1: Do Gift-Givers a Favor and Be Picky

When we give people a great big birthday wish list from which to choose, or provide helpful employees, peers or vendors with a long list of ways to pitch in, we’re making it easier for them to help, right?

Wrong.  In a series of studies, Francesca Gino of Harvard and Francis Flynn of Stanford found that when people are given a long list of gift suggestions to choose from, they will likely end up buying something that is not on the list at all.  However, if the list consists of one thing only, the givers tend to to deliver that one thing.

In other words, we think that we’re just being “not picky” when we tell gift-givers that we would be equally satisfied if they bought us a new pair of skates or a phone or an iPod or…one of 16 other things.  We think the same way when we tell team members at work that they could help us out by editing that presentation or revising this sales forecast or contacting that vendor or…one of 16 other things.

The truth is that you’re just making it harder for them to help you, and lessening your chances of receiving what you want.

Rule #2: Stop Playing Decision Hot Potato

A few years ago, I set up a meeting with the director of a local non-profit.  I thought they were doing great work in the community and I was eager to volunteer.  The director spent two hours showing me around and educating me about all of the amazing programs they were operating.

By the end of the tour I was excited, but my head was spinning. When I asked where he’d like my help, he said “wherever you want.”  I didn’t know where that was, so I said I would think about it. Two years have passed and I still haven’t gotten involved.  Maybe I’m just a slacker, or I’m not a “self-starter.”  But I’ve since spoken to other friends and acquaintances who’ve had the exact same experience.  Maybe there is something else happening here?

The fact is that choice is not always enjoyable.

Making decisions is mentally taxing.  So taxing in fact that people often opt out of the decision situation altogether in order to avoid the discomfort of choosing between multiple good options.  For example, one company found that when they started giving employees multiple life insurance options (they previously offered only one choice) the total number of employees who enrolled in any program actually decreased.  Researchers have found this same phenomenon with sunny vacation packages and jars of jam. When confronted with too many good choices, people choose not to choose.

So, when we give others  a long list of options to pick from, all we’re really doing is passing on the responsibility and stress of making a choice.  We penalize them for volunteering their help.

Rule #3: Gift-Givers Don’t Want Autonomy

Cleaning the house wasn’t my wife’s pre-designated role in the family.  It only became her job, because I proved incapable of cleaning to her exacting standards.  After firing me due to performance issues, she became Chief Cleaning Officer.

Over the years, she has learned that if she wants my help, she will get far more productivity by giving me just one or two tasks at a time.  That’s exactly how I like it, n ot because I’m into S&M, but because I don’t have a preference about cleaning and I don’t want to develop a preference (hence why she fired me).  I have to make enough decisions already in my designated areas of work and life responsibilities.  When cleaning, I just want to be told what to do.

Of course, I don’t always want to be told what to do.  Nobody does.  So, how do you know when it’s okay to tell a volunteer what to do?  Here’s my rule of thumb: When they ask what do you want me to do?

The next time someone asks you what you want for your birthday, or volunteers to give you the gift of their labor, tell them the one thing you would most like them to do.  If you don’t give them a choice, you’ll both wind up getting what you really want.

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